imma wiserd, Special Commentary by Kaylyne Morgan!
by Kaylyne Morgan
Summary: My commentary on imma wiserd; Quite possibly the worst/best fanfics of all time. Warning: If you are easily offended, STEER CLEAR. This is horribly racist and misspelt. I don't own the story, only the words written in bold.
1. Chapter 1 Losing my braincells

**Imma Wiserd; review'd.**

**Okay, this is most definitely a break from my usual writing. I'm reading 'imma wiserd' and I shall post it, and commentate my thoughts on it. It might take a while for a few reasons. A) I have other stuff to do (school work, other writing, etc) B) It's horrible, and I might be sent to the emergency due to extreme shock and C) I am lazy.**

AN: afta redin da hairy potty books (not rly i saw the mooviez lolololol) **Hilarious, mate.**i desided 2 make mi own hary potty storee. **Oh, God.**

note 2 da reedars: neva beliv any1 hu sayz a blak man dont like fired chickin **Um..**

I wuz sittin out on da porch an mi mama leend out da windo an sayed "watchu doin soulja spirit buu jackson?". **Is that his name? Buu? Why am I here?**

"nuttin much" i said "we gut no food".

"o turtle don cri"**Turtle? Does he have a pet? If he does, that's awesome.**

"na mama i aint mad" i says. den i loked at da gund n said "i wish i had sum fried chinkin" **Poor soulja spit.. I give up. **den... dere wuz fried chikin on da grion!11111111111111 **According to the four laws of transfiguration, this can't happen. Read the book.**

"yo buu wuz dat i smel" mi mama said. I lookd arund all snecky like and den i whispad "fried chikin" an it went away. **Bring it back. I'm actually kinda hungry. **i wuz scared but nut in a afrayed way. **WHAT? Ok, I'm starving, but not in a hungry way.**den i whispad again "fried chicken" and it appered agan!111 **The 1's are driving me insane. **so den i desided 2 tri sumden out. "wattamelon" an dere it iz a big ol slice o watrmellon at mah fet. **This is giving me a big ol headache. **mah mam lend out da door agan "boi now i no i smel sumden". **I don't think the smell of watermelon is THAT strong. **so den i leaned ova and wispad "fired chikin... wattamelon" an dey boat went away. i gut up an says 2 mi mama "lock mama!11 i aint gut nottin!11" **Oh, God, the one's again...**

"but im so hundreh" **Hungry? Hundred? Bored? **sayed ma mama. den i felt sad. **Poor spirit. **so i pointed mah finger at da grund an sayed "fried chikin" den a big ol bunmch of fired chikim appeerd. **Fried chicken appears in bunches? ** mi mama jumpt an scrammd. she ran in da house an slamed da door. "dun cum bak or ill shot ya!" she sayd. so i left. **Shot is past tense. Does that means he's already dead?**

so whadda think? IF U FLAM UR RASSIST ***sets fire to the story* Yes, I'm racist. You should kill me now.**


	2. Chapter 2 butload o insparashun

**A/N – I understand if you are reading this hugging a teddy with the air of someone about to watch an R-Rated horror movie, because it gets worse. It's hard to believe, but it does.**

AN: im jus ritin dis now becuz i gut a butload o insparashun **WHAT? The only word spelt correctly here is now, and that may have been an accident. **

den i went 2 hagwats. **Wasn't he at his house? **dena nigga (**So not racist) **came out a no were an says "hey im harry potter". **I'm pretty sure he's white. **i turned an said "u aint harry potter!11 i saw him in da movis!" **You go guurl!**

"i no but fo da audeance dey got a wite boi 2 play mi" **He's white in the books too. At least, I think he is. I hope...**

"wat i said.

"u herd mi"

"dem rassist ppl!" **How dare they!**

i entred da big ol place were everabodi eatz **The Great Hall? **an dey put da wiserd hat on mi hed and it says "yo in ravenclaw" **Aren't Ravenclaws smart? He should be in... Jigglypuff.**

"hey daz were i stay" sed harry potter. **HE'S GRIFFINDOR **den we both went to da room togedder. wen we were dere we saw the dumbldoor. **Now he's a door who only opens for special people **an he turnt 2 mi an sez "welcum 2 skool distrect 7 (wateva dat meens). **I agree with him here. I don't know what it mean either. **im ur dumbledoor." **Hey. I'm your Kaylyne.**

hairy **giggle **turnd t mi an seys "dis is da dumbledoor of da entire skool." **Noo, Dumbledore is the headmaster...**

"hi mistr duumbledoor"**Dumblydoooooor**

"yo can call mi alvin".**Alvin the Chipmunk? Can Dumby sing?**

"ok alvin"

"goodbi" he sed an raned out on hiz broomstik. **How can you run on a broomstick?**

"im sleepi" sed hairy potter **(He obviously forgot to shave)**

"butt its not even 12 o clock yet" i sed **We gonna have us a partii11**

"i no but tomorow we hav skool an ill sho u all de pretti girlz an how to play bromstiks" **You can play broomsticks?**

"sho" i sed "do u lik 50 cent?" **Did he mean sure? **

"do u lik soulja boi?" sed harry **Isn't... Soulja Boy... A song? I don't even listen to this kind of music.**

we were best frends. **How abrupt.**

**I can write a story like this! Watch: frgthygt jdksgfdksvbs'oi. That was my head banging on my keyboard.**


	3. Chapter 3 Da chillen are chillen

AN: im jus crankin dem out!1 if dis keepz up i jus mite publish it! **The horror...**

da next day me an hary went doun 2 da big kitchin where all da chillin were chillin :) **Smiley face! Wait.. Da chillen were chillen? INCEPTION!**

i sat down at a tabel nex 2 a pak o crackers **You are soo not racist **whu sayd "boi u cnat sit here!"

"y" i sed **"x" they replied.**

"u haf 2 sit at da bak of da kitchin!" **Is this like, a Rosa Parkes reference? I dunno, I'm Australian.**

den hairy ***giggle* **came down an sayed "dun mind him. dat tabel is fo da snake ppl. **The other one is for rabbit people. **ur a ravencaw! u hav 2 sit at da ravenclaw tabel!" so we sat at da ravinclaw tabel. "dun mind dat cracker. daz rassist." **Uh huh. **

"ok" i sed **Redundant.**

"des r mi frinds" dere wuz a pretty gurl named herman. **OMG! HERMAN! Does anyone but me understand this? **she fell in love wit me. **… **it wuz so grat. **Grat indeed. **we had brekfast togedder. den we went 2 skool. **You're already at school **furst we had magik class. **No way **the teecher wuz an old womin wit glases and an ol droopy suit. "letme see wut u can do" she said. i pointed at da ground. "fried chikin" **This still makes me laugh**i sed. sum fried chikin apered on da flor. she piked it up an took a bit. "yum yum" she sayed and eatted it all. **Stoopid teecher**"i no wut class u should go in. u shud go in da blak magic clas." **Is this evil magic or magic for african Americans?**

"wut" i sed.

"dun worri, im nut rassist" she sad. "sum children r good at blak magik whil odders r wite magik." **Oh. I see.**

"well ok" i sed

she gave us lots o homwork. **Rassist.**

we had mor classes. den hary tok me outsid. "heres a bromstik" he said. and he gave me a bromstik. "wats dis 4?" i sed. "4 bromstiks fool!" harry sed. **LOL! **"dunt get hurt turtle" sed herman. **Okay, so I think his name is Turtle now. He doesn't have a pet. Damn.**

"now dis is wut u hav 2 catch" sed hary and he took out a ball wit wings. it flu in2 da ski. **(It flew up into the sky.)**

but u hav 2 dog dis cuz it will try an hit u" **He should use a dalmatian **he took out a big blak ball that hit me in mi hed. "ow i sed" **HA!**

"sorry" sed hary. he took out his wand an sed "go away" **Um... **and the big blak ball flu into da sky.

den he tok da biggist ball of dem all. it looked lik a soccer ball. "u have to pass dis so it goes into da hols." he throgh it at me an i caut it. "UR AMAZING" sed harry potter. **I can catch soccerballs too. **so we flew up in da sky an began 2 play. mi ballz startd 2 hurt. **Hahahaha! Oh my God.**"my balls hert!" i sed. "sit on it lik dis" sed harry potter. an i did. meanwhile we playd an alot o ppl came arond an watcht ud. dere wuz so many of dem dat dey filed up all da seets. dey wa cherin. **Hooray! **den i saw da flin bal. **They all fly. **i didnt wan t harry to see it so i sed "imma gonna go up here fo a whil" **So not suspicious.**

"wel alrit as log as u dont cach da snickers!" **I actually prefers Mars Bars. **

"ok" i sed lik i didn se it.

"wel ok" sed harry potter "bcuz im aboot to put da ball in ur hole!" **Oh.. Oh my God. Harry's come out of the closet. I always imagined it to be Drarry, not... This.**

i went up but wen i wuz abutt to get it a guy in a big blak cap came in on his brommsticks. **He was so fat he needed two **He poented his wond at me "die". i den fel off mah bromstik. **Oh goodness no. ** "AHHHHHHHHH!111111111" i sed. **"Okay," I screamed quietly.**

"TURTLE!11111" sed herman. da ppl scremd when i wuz fallin. it hit da grund. then i died. **So, is the rest just him chillin the chillen in Heaven/Hell/Place where dead dumbasses go?**


	4. Chapter 4 Black Lard and Zombies

**Our main character DIED, and we have 65 more chapters to work through. You'll have to go one without me... I'll never make it out alive...**

An: heres anodder chapper! **I read this in a Cockney accent.**

da next day i wook up in da hosbitel. "ur all betta" sed da nurse. **HE DIED!**

"nigga don scar me lik dat" sed herman. **YEAH HERMAN!**

"u almost dyd" sed harry pottr. **He did!**

"wut was dat?" i sed.

"it wuz da dark lord vadermort and he wantz to hurt ur mama" **But his mama threw him out...**

"WART?11" i sed **"MOLE11" hairy repled**

"u gotta lisin turtle u gotta kill vadermort. it sed so in da profasi" **Vadermort. Apparently Darth Vader and Tom Riddle had an affair or something**

"dat sounds dangerus" sed herman

"yeah he wants 2 destroi da world" sed harry **No, just Muggles, Mudbloods and people who defend and shelter them**

"ok" i sed "if he touchs ma mama IMMA POP A CAP IN DAT NIGGAS ASS!11111" **This could be used as a suicide note.**

den da dubledoor cam in. "shuddnt u chilldrn b in class?" he sed

"but da dark lard almst killd turtel!11" sed herman **HAHAHAHA! Dark lard. **

"dun say dat name" sed da vadermort "especially u turtle" **Where did 'vadermort' come from? What's happening? Why am I alive?**

"well ill hafta suspind u all" sed dumbeldoor "especially u turtle" **You're ESPECIALLY suspended. **den da dumbldor runnd awy on his bromstik. **How do you run on a broomstick? Please explain. **so we all went bak to our rooms.

i went to sleep. when i wuz alssep i saw da man wit da blak cape (**Robes)**and da blak coat. dere was a snake coimg out of da front a himself. **(Dark Mark) **he wuz sittin in a char in fron of da fried place. **Maybe that's Turtle's fav place to get fried chicken **he sed 2 da snape "imma kill dat nigga boi soulja spirit buu jackson" I woke up scard. **How was that scary? I mean, apart from the grammar. **dere wuz som1 under da cofers wit me. **How didn't he notice? **it wuz herman. she wuz nekked. **It's Dumbledore's naked time! **"lets hav sex" she said. so she bends over and i stuk my big blak cok in her tinee wite ass.

**OH. MY. GOD. This... They met a chapter ago. He died. Now they're doing the horizontal naked dance? I feel like I have lost my innocence. Aren't they 11 years old? Isn't this his first year?**

"YES TURTLE YES" she sed. **She said it in caps lock... **den i cam. an we stop. "what r u doin" sed harry next to me.**WHY IS HE NEXT TO YOU? HOW DIDN'T YOU NOTICE?** "noddin" **I like ****nodding when I try to sleep as well. **i sed ambarrist. "oh. i tot i herd somting." **...How does 'hairy' not hear?**

"i didnt heer noddin" i sed. **Nodding is a movement.**

"oh, okay" sed harry and he went bak to slep. den we all went doon 2 brekfest. "how did u slep?" sed herman. "gret" i sed an slimed. **He slimed? Is he an alien? This made me laugh.**

"what're u guys takken bout" sed harry pottr.

"aww noddin" i sed an i smield. **My stomach hurts.**

"yeh" sed herman an she smiled.

"yeh" i sed an i slmied 2.

"what r u boiz smilin bout?" sed da dumbeldoor. **They just got botox?**

"ah noddin" **Seriously, why are they nodding?**

"well u had bettr hury up an get 2 clss" sed da dubledoor.

"ok we sed an den we went 2 magik class **All the classes are magic. Apart from Muggle Studies**

"did u all do ur homerk?" sed da teakher?

"i didnt" i sed. **Rebel.**

"why not, turtle! u hav such potenshal!" she sed

"bcuz he was almost kiled bi vadermort" we sed. **If he was killed, he would be dead. Vadermort, haha.**

"u fot vadermort? u must b a grat wizrd!" she sed. "fin u get an a+" she sed. **I wish my teachers thought like this**

we sat thro class. **No, you stood on one leg.**

AN: haha u thot i wuz ded didnt u! well i trikd u lololol mor chpters cummin soon **O.O You did die. He's the next Jesus!**


	5. Chapter 5 Oh my Rowling

AN: tanks 4 all da gud reveuz! **"Fangs" I sed (geddit coz im goffik)**recntly i watched da hary pottr moovies again so i cud get ma fadcts strat. **You never will...**

"helo everabodi mah nam is magik jonson" sed magik jonson. **lolwhut**

"water u doin techin dis class" i sed **That's what I'd like to know**

"im ur techer" sed magik jonson "dey duont call mi magik 4 noddin!1**They're nodding again...** wen i quit bascetball i bcam a techer at hogwats" i loked arond da room. dere wuz alot o niggas in dis class. an... DRACO!111 but he sat at da bak o da classrom. **TOM FELTON SAVE ME!**

"class 2day we will lurn how 2 sumon patronises" **This is advanced stuff. Like, stuff for fifth year's...**

"wuz a patronis" i sed

"ull see" sed magik jonson.

so we went in2 da midle off da room **This is suspenseful.**

"normaly wen pracisin wit partorises we normally use dememtors... **No, Harry used a boggart. **but seeing as how dis is a blak magik class" an he winked "were gonna use somtin alidle bit diferant" he went ova to da closet an opned in. an out came... A KLUKKLUCKSKLANMAN!1111

**OMGIMDYING. Klukklukklanman. Say that five times fast. Just say it aloud! Cluck-cluck-clan-man. They work at 'da fried place' They're a bunch of people who like chickens!**

so we all wnet up an did r patronises. ron did a snak. jenni did a egele. den i cam up an did a big o dragen. "DAZ AMAZING" sed magik jonson.

den draco cam up an did a cjickin cuz he wuz a chikin. **So... Would my patronus be human because I'm human?**"dat wuz dum" sed magik jonson "u fail". **OMG! I want a shirt with that on it. "dat wuz dum. U fail. **drako wen bak 2 da bak of da room.

den da police came an arrestd me fo no reson. **This has no story flow. **"wuz goin on" sed makig jonson. "ur under arrest" sed da cops. **Instant-arrest! Add water and grow your own policeman!**an dey tok me away an i wen to jail. **Why?**

An: suzpensfl iznt it? nex chapta cummin soon. **I'm hanging onto your everyword, O Wise One.**

**My comment: dat wuz dum. U fail.**


	6. Chapter 6 Magicon!

**This is such a deep and interesting story. I particularly like the plot. **

AN: im glad 2 see dat evry1 likd mi stori so i desided 2 rit da nex chapta now!111** No, unless you're referring to your imaginary friends**

i wuz in jail. it wuz cold but i had a cot an a toylet an mi romatez nam wuz kiwan. i wuz sad. **Poor Turtle.**

"let mi out!11" i sed.

"no" he sed. **This is soo deep**

"why did yo put mi in here i didnt do aniting" i sed.

"bcuz ur a nigger an as u no we da police hate niggers" **Um, not all police hate black people...**

"U CANT US DAT WORD" sed kiwan

"yeh daz r word" i sed. **No it isn't. And I'm sure most can actually spell a three letter word. O-U-R.**

"nigger nigger niger" he sed an began 2 laff. **Niger is country in Africa. Nye-jeer.**

"well i no a word u mite like" i sed "DRAGEN!111111" den a dragen cam out. **THE DRAGON IS BACK!**

"!11111111111111111111111" he sed as the ragen began 2 eat him **I hate it when I'm being eaten and all I can say is oneoneoneoneone.**

"hes a blak magicon!1" sed anodder gard. **Magicon sounds like a nerdy Harry Potter festival. Which I would totally go to.**

"den i gess well haf 2 tak away his wand!1" sed annoder. an dey did. **...But he uses his voice. Cut his vocal chords out...**

"now u cant us magic!1" sed kiwan "but i wish u did... dey dont feed niggas lik us in jail..." **They feed EVERYONE in jail.**

den i had an idea. "du u lik fried chickin" **Jesus Christ.**

"sho i do" he sed "but not all blak ppl lik fried chikin. dat wud be rassist" **Jesus H. Christ eating pavlova.**

"ok" i sed an pointed at da grund an sed "fried chickin" an dere it was. **Jesus H. Christ eating pavlova while riding an elephant.**

"hooooray!1111111111111111" sed kiwan. "ur da gratist wiserd iv eva nown!"

den... da fried chickin startd 2 chang... it wuz... VADERMORT!1111111111111 **ONOZ! NAWT DA CHIKIN!111**

"die" he sed but kiwan jumpd in da wai an his hed esploded! **What just happened?**

"beep" sed vadermort **He;s turned into Roadrunner.**

"turtle! get mi uzi! its i n mi left pokket!1" sed kiwan. **Didn't his head explode? **an i did. an i shot bullets on vadermort. **Why not say, 'die,' or bring back the dragon?**

"IM DIING!" sed vadermort. blod wuz goin evrywere.

"never trust a blak wizard" i sed. an i sed "DRAGEN" an dere wuz more blod evrywere. **YES!**

"AHHHH IM DIING EVEN MOR!11" sed vadermort. **Holy shit this is better than being high.**

den he fel on da grund ded. **Oh boy...**

"U KILLD VADERMORT!111" sed harry potter. **Where did he come from?**

"GUD JOB" sed magik jonson. **"dat wuz dum. U fail"**

den snap cam up an sed "cum 2 mi oriface" **LOLOLOL. BEST. MALAPROPISM. EVER.**

AN: but dunt worri dis is nut da last uv herd of darth vader!111** He wasn't in the story. Vadermort was. Is Darth Vader gonna avenge his son's death?**


	7. Chapter 7 ingoyable meals

**A/N im sorree I fink I miet b loosin mi bransells, bt fangs (lol geddit cos im goffik) 4 redin any way111**

"my my what an ingoyable meal" sed snape totchin da sids of his moth wit his napkin. he wuz sitin at his desk eatin. i wuz sitin in a char in front of his desk. i wasn't eatin. he wiped his hands off on da napikn an folded it in a tryangl bside his plat.

"you moronic negresint layabout. **Ugh, I hate it when I get called that. **do you know why i brot you here?" sed snape.

i didnt no. **No shit, sherlock.**

"leef da poor boi alone" sed hagrid. **Where did he come from?**

"no. i think he shud be expeled." sed snape.

"well why" sed da dubleedor. **Why indeed. And why is Dumbledore there?**

"becuz he brot a gun to school." sed snape. **Fair enough.**

"but he wuz trien 2 fite vadermort" sed herman. **Thanks, Herman.**

"thats no alabi" sed snape. "he hangs at sundown" **Is this a Western movie or something?**

"WAT!1111" sed harry potre. **Potre: The frenchman who defeated le ****seigneur foncé**

"you heard me" sed snape.

"its tru" sed da dumbledoor "bringin a gun 2 skool is punishable by death. especally if ur blak" **What? He should be expelled, not hung like a cowboy.**

"!11111111111111" sed herman. **This seems to be a favoured expression**

"but wayt! da suns alreddy down!" i sed. **Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.**

"then i guess we have to hang you now!" sed snape. **He deserves it.**

"N**oo, why am I so stupid?" I asked myself.**

"!111111111111111" sed herman. an began 2 cry. **"Excamation point one-one-one-one."**

den... out of no were... HARRY POTTER BUST IN2 DA ROOM!11111 **HE WAS ALREADY THERE! '"WAT!1111" sed harry potre.'**

"hey wait! u cant kill turtle! den hus goona kill vadermort!" he sed. **...Dumbledore? Snape? Me?**

i wuz standin on da stage wit ma hed in da rope. **That was fast. He didn't even eat dinner.**

hermon wuz dreesed in a blak dress wit a vail an cryin on harys sholder. **Costume change!**

"hahaha" sed snape. it wuz thunderin an lightnin and rain wuz fallin everywere. **My friends, with ****the convinient weather, we have reached the lowest a fanfic can go. Almost. **"with you gone, vadermort can rule then world!111"

i wuz a gonner. **If only.**

AN: now dat wuz excitin!111 **No it wasn't.** sorry it tok so long. i had to look up those big words **What big words? **for snape bcuz hes wite an probably jewish. **...So Jews use big words, and that's how you classify them... And he was chilling with Hitler... BASIC RESEARCH FAIL!**


	8. Chapter 8 This ain't no western!

**This chapter was called 'shequiz.' I don't know what that symbolises. **

i wuz abot 2 die. **Cue heroic escape/rescue – 3... 2... 1...**

den... a big blak nigga flu in on a grifen an thru me ma bromstik. **BINGO! Wait, what?**

"!11111111111111" sed snape. **"?222222" sed kaylyne**

i got on mi bromstik an flu awai wit da big blak nigga. we flu ova till we fund his apartmant. **But... Wasn't he about to be hung? Wouldn't the noose still be around his neck?**

"hi im shieqwaz" he sed **Oh. Was this or the title spelt wrong?**

"call mi turtle" i sed. **Why?**

"im snapes brodder" sed shieqwaz. **But Snape's white, and jewish...**

"no u aint" i sed "dat nigga aint blak" **Oxymoron.**

"yes i is" he sed "we bof haff da saim mama but i cam out blak an he cam out jewish. eva sinse den hes hated blak ppl" **W.T.F**

"wel vadermort looks kind o jewish. do u tink dey cud b da same guy" **Hmm, so does the local Rabbi. We better check him out too.**

"i don no" sed shieqwaz.

den i had an idea dat wud rly wurk **I doubt it.**

AN: wel dat wuz a clifhangr!11 **No it wasn't... Unless you're going to be hung of a cliff...?**


	9. Chapter 9 You so silly, Snape

AN: sory it tok so long dis was a long chapta an i had 2 look up how 2 spell snapes words. **You still can't spell them.**

snape wuz wakkin down da halway. "yes now that weve gotten that awful nigger off my hands nothing will get in the way of my plans!1" **Thank goodness!**

he keppt on wakkin down da halway.

"only 1 more thing could make this day even better" he sed. den he saw somden on da ground. it wuz a 5 dolla bill. **Oh, Snape. **

"ohhhh a 5 dollor bill" sed snape. he bent down to pik it up. but den... it moved just out of his reech! **Damn. Keep trying!**

"that was odd" sed snape. an he bent down to pik it up agin. but it movd agin! **Darn it! **

"well this is making me quite angry" **hahaha **sed snape. and evrytim he pikd it up it went out of his reech. **You so silly, Snape-a-doodle.**

he went 2 da end of da halway "ahh i got u now!" he sed. but wen he sed dat a sak went ova his hed! **Try 'accio.'**

"got u" i sed.

"curses" sed snape. **Drat! Fooled again! Your too smart for me, Turtle!**

"we got u now" sed shieqwan"

"let me go" sed snape.

we put him in a rum an put him in a char. **I'd like to be put in a rum. I'd get severe brain damage but... Pirates...**

"SHIEQWAN" sed snake.

"brodder" sed shieqwan.

"r u vadermort?" i sed.

"ill never tell" sed snape.

"not even 4... 5 dollors" **Oh jeez. Stop pressuring the poor guy.**

snape lookd lik he wuz gonna eat dat 5 dolla bill. **Lunch money takes on a whole new meaning!**

"ok" sed snape "ill tell u if im vadermort or not. mi tru identidy is"...

den wit his magik he got out of da char. **Why didn't he use his magic beforehand?**

"gettim" sed shieqwan.

i tryd. but i cudnt cuz dey tok away mah wand in jail. **Just yell 'DRAGEN' again!**

"hes gettin away" sed shieqwan.

den snape got out his gun. **Why? He's magic.**

"now youll die... FOREVER!11111111111" he sed. **He died in the second chapter.**

"NOT IF I KILL U FIRST" sed shieqwan.

"you wont hurt me im your brothr" sed snape.

"yes i wud snape... or shud i say... VADERMORT" sed shieqwan.

"how did you know" sed snape. **What?**

"its queyt simpl" sed shieqwan "bcuz u an vadermort r never in da smae place at da same time!" **It's the same situation with the local Rabbi. **

"DAM U" sed snape. "u were 2 smart for me" **Herp derp.**

"now dat u no mi secret i cant let u life"

den he started 2 shoot bullets on me. mi blud wuz goin evrywere. an den i died. **Not again.**

AN: is dis da end... or is it! **Please be the end.**


	10. Chapter 10 Godly Rappers

**A/N: So you know, Turtle died. I don't know why there are like, one thousand chapters left.**

i meet god **Aw, hell to the no.**

i woke up in heven. soulja boy wuz playin an i saw dis big ol nigga in a wit robe dat lookd lik 50 cent. **God... is 50 cent..?**

"hello turtle" he sed.

"how do u no mi name" i sed **HE'S GOD!**

"bcuz im god turtle" he sed i wuz amased. **HE'S GOD!**

"am i ded" i sed. **YOU'RE MEETING GOD!**

"yes u r" sed god.

"den dat meen..." i sed

"yes it duz" **Means what? **sed god "but dont cri turtle cuz it aint yo tym yet so im senden u bak. **Why? Please, keep him. Send back Kurt Cobain **i wan u 2 kill dat evil jew hu killd mi only son" **No, the Romans killed him, and Jesus was a Jew himself.**

"yes lod" i sed.

"an rememba turtle, i will alweys bein wachin ova u. goodbi" sed god

"godbi" i sed. **Lol geddit cuz hes god.**

i woke up in mi room.

"wuz wrong" sed hary pottr "u look wit as a cracker"

"aw noddin" i sed. **I think he's got about three braincells left from all this nodding.**

"well u woke up jus in tim" sed shieqwaz "da bromstik chaminship is stardin an ur da star playa" **Broomsticks isn't a game in Harry Potter.**

**Well that was a cliffhanger. LOLJKS **


	11. Chapter 11 Return of the Dragon

**A/N: This is called 'bromsticks championship part 1' for no apparent reason; the story is completely disjointed already.**

bromstiks championship

i wuz in da locka room. i wuz so nervus. i hadnt ben arond 2 pratise bcuz i wuz ded. **Then why aren't you still dead?**

i wuz lokin for ma bromstik. but i cudnt find it. den i turnd arund. it wuz... VADERMORT STEALING MI BROMSTIK!11111111 **Oh no! Why don't you say 'bromstik' and maybe a new one will appear.**

"haha" he sed "an gess wut. i killd evry bodi else on ur team! now ull nevr win!" **Oh no!**

"wut" i sed **Turtle's a wee bit slow.**

"thers no way ull beet us at bromstiks now" he sed "and then well kill u. hahaha" **Why doesn't he kill him in the locker room? **an then he flu off on ma bromstik.

"wut am i gonna do now" i sed

i wen on da feeld.

"waddiya doin turtle? da championship is about 2 bigin!1" sed hary potta **Why isn't Harry dead? Isn't he on the team?**

"i cant" i sed. "vadermort stole mah bromstik"

"DAT THEFFIN BIGNOSE CRACKA" sed hary potter **Voldemort has no nose... There's a bunch of internet jokes on it.**

"an he killd evry1 else on da teem1!" i sed

"WUT" sed hary " how r we gonna win now!" **How indeed.**

den we lookd ova.

"oh my god" we sed. da deth eattas had brot... DA KLU KLUX KLAN **OH NOO**

dey didnt hav bromstiks. but dey had guns a flammin cross an a rope. **I hope no one gets burnt.**

"hey look niggers!" sed 1. an dey all started to shot at us. **Hey, look over there!**

"deres way were gonna win now" sed hary potta. **You're whole team is dead. The idea of a team sport is you NEED A TEAM.**

den i got an idea. **Oh, God.**

"DRAGEN" i sed an a dragen apeerd. **Yes! The dragon has returned!**

i got on da dragens bak an me an hary went up into da air. **Wow, awesome. Like Draco in Harry's dream. This guy could just be a really clever, mean troll/**

we only had me and hary an we had to play aginst da deatheaters hufflpuff grifendoor an sliterin ALL AT DA SAME TIME. **Why?**

"GET DA NIGGERS" sed da klukluklan guy an dey all started to shot at us. **I make this kill in the glory of the Chicken Lord!**

"how can dey still see us!1" sed hary pottr **...You're on a dragon.**

it wuz bcuz da ski wuz wit an we wuz da only blak guys on da feild. **The sky is blue, idiot. AND YOU'RE ON A DRAGON!**

"it is bcuz da ski is wit an we is da only blak guys on da feeld" i sed. **Call the Redundant Department of Redundancy**

vadermort lookd ova **When did he arrive? **"dis is da worst ting eva!1 how cud mi plan not hav workd!" **Oh, the calamity!**

den da dubledoor flu up an sed "let da game bgin. lets play fair" den da buza sounded. **Lolwhut**

**So that was... *shudders***


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm surprised I can still read.**

mi an hary pottr were da onli ppl on da ravencow **I wish there was a house called Ravencow, because then Cho Chang would DEFINITELY be on it **teem. all da odda teems was flyin arond trin to put dere balls in r hols **Hehehehe**. an da kluklanklan **Almost there **wuz shootin up at us.

"hary u gard da goals. ill lok 4 da snigger" **He also needs to look for the sneer and the smirk **i sed.

i flu up high on mi dragen. **I love this dragon. **"GET DAT NIGGA" sed a griffendor. "NOT B4 I PUT A BAL IN UR HOL" **Is anyone else having sinful, impure thoughts? **sed a slithrin. "ILL BEET U BOT" **Then I'll turnip on your grave! **sed a hufflypuff. den he fell down. **How clumsy of him **he wuz accidently shot bi da klukluxklan.

i wuz fliin up in da air lokin 4 da snikker. den i saw vadermort. "die" he sed **"I will avenge the death of my fathers, Darth Vader and Tom Riddle! **buit i flew out of da way. instead he hit a griffindoor an he esploded. **The only time I've heard 'esploded' said out loud, it was on rugrats. I miss that show.**

"U MISSD MI" **Now you gotta kiss me! Hahahaha, Voldy wants to kiss a booyy! **i sed an went bak 2 lokin 4 da snigger. "die" sed vadermort again. **But turtle doesn't die. **den he missd an hit a death eater an he died. **I'm guessing the Death Eater died, not Vadermort?**

i wuz fliin an vadermort Ah. wuz chasin mi. den i saw... draco!1 an he saw mi. "now die soulja spirit buu jackson!1" **How can they even remember this name? **an he pulld out his gun. **He seems to be following Tara Gilesbie's theory of GunsMagic **an he shooted mi but i got out of da way an instead he hit... VADERMORT!11 **Oh no!**

"AHHHHHH" sed vadermort. **How can he saw it when it's all in uppercase? It's like screaming quietly. **den vadermort pointed his wand at draco an his brom esploded an he fel in2 da klukluxklan but dey didnt hurt him cuz he was wite. **By gum!**

"ah ha" sed vadermort. he had fond da snigger. **The snicker still seems to be missing. **i lokd dwon. da snigger wuz in da middle of da feeld.. right in da middle of... DA KLUXKLUXKLAN. **Gee, whatever will he do.**

he wuz divin 2ward it and so did i. dere was bodis all ova da feeld. da klukluxklan wuz shotin up.

"u cant let da klukluxklan get da snigger" sed hary potta "or dey win da gaem!1111" **"And that's our biggest problem at this point in time!"**

da klukluxklan wasnt shotin at vadermort. he wuz wite. dey wuz shotin at me but dey kept missin an hittin everibody else!11 **Wow, they have really bad aim. You'd think he'd be hit at least ONCE by a stray bullet.**

"hey lok deres da snigger!1" sed da klukluxklanman an started runin 2ward it. "!11111111111111111111111111111" i sed **Why is this expression so common among these characters?**

"yes" sed vadermort as da klukluxklan man put his hand on da snigger.

but da ball went throo da klukluxklansmans hand. den i reelised... dey werent da klukluxklan... DEY WERE GHOSTS!111111 **Then how could they shoot at you?**

"u fools!1" sed vadermort. **Yes, they are the only fools in this story. Not including the big goofball called the Author.**

bcuz dey were gosts i flew thro dem an got da snigger. but dey shot up mi dragen. an it died. **But how was Turtle not harmed? And they're ghosts? I feel so sorry about the dragon. Can I write fanfiction on fanfiction? Fanfic-Fanfic?**

"!" sed vadermort. ¬_¬

den da buzza sonded. da game wuz ova. "U WIN" sed da dumbledoor.

"u may haff won this tim... BUT NOT 4 LONG!11111111" **I'll kill you with my ghost army! **sed vadermort. den he pointed his wand at harry. "die" **Why couldn't he do this to Turtle? **he sed. harry esploded. he fell off his bromstik. **No. Shit. Sherlock.**

"QUIK GET DA DOKTA" but bi da tim we got dere hge was alredy ded. **HE EXPLODED!**

"haha sed vadermort and him an his detheaters flew away. "**Take that." He said sullenly.**

"**Harry died. I am sad." Kaylyne said vacously.**


	13. Chapter 13 Ugh

**Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.**

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Bet you missed me. I reread my 'imma wiserd' reviews. Ugh.**

"U WON DA CHAMPIONSHIP!1111" sed herman. **What match? It was more of a battle.**

"good job" sed da dumbledoor. **...But Harry exploded. Why is no one concerned about this?**

"weres draco?" sed herman

"o he almost died" sed da dumbledoor. "but da best part is every1 on da sliteryn teem died!" **Isn't Draco on the Slytherin team? And why are the teachers taking sides? And furthermore, why are they celebrating ANY students death?**

"we shud celebrate" sed herman an she startd kissin up on mi. **Ooh, kinky.**

"i no maybi we cud go 2 a fancy restrant" i sed. **What a brilliant idea.**

"rly" sed herman. **She reminds me of Carrie White, from ****Stephen King's **_**Carrie.**_

"ya we can go 2 applebees!11" i sed. **Soo fancy. We don't even have Applebee's in Australia and I know that ain't fancy.**

den she huggd mi an started kissin up on me even more. **Call the priest, we have an exorcism that needs to be performed.**

dat nite i desided 2 do somden speshal. it wuz r first date. **You've already had sex... **so i took a shower. i put on ma best cothes. **For Applebee's?**

i took herman 2 applebees.

"dis is amazin!" she sed. **...But...**

we sat down an dis fancy french guy **I highly doubt there would be a french butler dude at APPLEBEE'S **cam 2 us an sed "wuts yo order" he sed.

"ill get a cowboy burger" i sed "wit friez n onions" **I can't comment on this – I don't know the Applebee's menu. However, COWBOY BURGERS?**

"ok an wut wud u lik missy?" he sed.

"ill hav a salad an sum water"

"ok" he sed an den he went away 2 get r food

but den... hu walkd in... BUT DRACO!111 **Use an action verb **an he sat down bside herman.

"watta u doin!1" i sed

"noddin" **They nod a lot in this story **sed draco lookin arund all sneekily an den he walkd away. **WTF?**

den da fancy french guy brot r food an we eatted it. **Fascinating.**

den we went bak 2 hogwats an she tok off her cloze an got in mah bed. **Wow. Just wow. **

i wuz about 2 put mi big blak cock in her tiny wite ass but den i realisd... dere wuz somebody already in dere!** WHAT. THE. FUCK. How do you not notice?**

den i turnd on da lite. herman wuz havin sex wit draco!1111 **HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE?**

"U MEEN BITCH" i sed.

"wait dont leef me!" she sed but i wuz alredy up an out of da room. **Isn't it HIS room?**

AN: thx 4 all da gud reviewz!111 **How could anyone even THINK this is good?**


	14. Chapter 14 Committee For Evil Doing!

AN: dis chapta wuz brot 2 u by da AFCA. da americin fried chikin associashun. **Hahaha. This is soo racist it's not funny. If anyone reading this is black, please comment with your thoughts on fried chicken.**

"wut r we gonna do about dat nigga" sed vadermort. he wuz sittin in his evil lair havin dinna wit dracula an hitler. dey were eatin babies. **I love this League of Doom. Or Committee For Evil Doings, or whatever they're called.**

"i say we kill him!" sed dracula **Good call, Count.**

"gutantof gutantof chocolate choclate gutantof" **lolwhut **sed hitler wich wuz german 4 "i agree we shud kill him" **Anyone German here? Comments, please?**

"ive tried dat u fool!" **Sigh. **sed vadermort "hes such a great blak magicon dat he keeps cumming **Malapropism which made me giggle** bak 2 life" **He hasn't done that much magic. He's just said Chicken and Dragon.**

dracula tok a bit of his baby. "den how r we gonna kill dat nigga" **This is so very puzzling.**

"i dont know" sed vadermort. den hitler screemed.

"KINDERGAREN" **A place for pre-elementary school children? **he sed wich wuz german 4 "deres sumden rong wit mi baby" **Fail.**

den dracula lookd ova "wait dat isnt a baby... dis is fried chiknin!11" **OH THE CALAMITY!**

den vadermort had an idea.

"i no" he sed. "ill go bak in time an make sure dat FRIED CHIKIN WUZ NEVER INVENTED!111" **How exactly will this help? And how would you un-invent it, stop the creation of fire itself, or just kill of the chicken population?**

"daz a good idea" sed dracula an hitler clappin dere hands. **Standing ovation for the dumb idea.**

dracula finished his meel. "my my wut an enjoyable meel" **Wasn't it made of fried chicken?**he sed dabbing da sides of his cape.

den vadermort starded speekin "by tomorrow everythin in hogwart is gonna BE ALL WHITE!1111111" **With the lack of fried chicken? How will that work?**

AN: ohhh dat wuz scarry... i wundda wuts gonna happen next!11 **Oh, the suspense is killing me. **

**Well. Um. COMITTEE FOR EVIL DOINGS!**


	15. Chapter 15 In Which Kaylyne Returns

**AN: Hai guys, I'm back! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, as I said I am extremely lazy, and then I lost the original story. Special fangs to Emerald Egg Thief for reposting! And yes, I am going to use "fangs" as "thanks" ironically from now on.**

it wuz nittime. i wuz sittin under a tree cryin. **Good.** dat meen bitch herman wuz cheetin on me wit draco. **I'd cheat on you too**

"dat meen bitch" i sed cryin. **Call the Redundant Department of Redundancy **why wuz she cheetin on me. i didnt no. **We don't know either?**

just den... from behind a tree... **Please God, no more ellipses **i saw a memba of DA KLUKLUXKLAN!111111111111111111 **I forgot how funny the klikjkdhfhjbdklan was**

he wuz wakkin **wakkawakkawakka **2wards me. i reechd 4 my wand. but i didnthave it cuz da police took it away when i was in jail. **You used to be able to use your finger? Just magick fired chikin at him**

"nooooo dont hurt me" **FINISH HIM** i sed but he kept commin.

he reeched out his hand. an his hand went throo me. **This is some Indiana Jones shit.**

it wasnt a memba of da klukluxklan... IT WUZ A GOST!1111 **Sweet Jesus. I'm sure none of the Hogwarts ghosts were *that*** **racist. **

"hey turtle wutchu doin all da way out heer" sed da gost. den i reelised... it wuz da ghost of HARRY POTTRE!11111 **His french cousin. Pottre. **

"hary! ur a ghost!" i sed. **NO SHIT, SHERLOCK**

"i no. dat evil jew vadermort killed me" **He is like, the opposite of Jew. **he sed. "why u out heer turtle"

"dat meen bitch herman cheeted on me wit draco" **Redundant.**

"dat meen bitch. **This has been said like five times. STOP. **but dont worry turtle. dere are odder girls. **Herman is fairly… odd. **ur da sexiest blak man ever" **...No**

"rly" i sed

"rly" he sed.** "rly rly" sed donkey** "well lets go 2 sleep. we hve class 2morrow." **They were suspended then arrested or some shit, and they still go to class?**

so we went 2 r room an went 2 sleep.

AN: u thot hary potter wuz gone... but i triked u!111 **You are too devious for us, O Master**

**Remind me why I'm doing this again?**


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